oh to be a turtle on a log suspended in water
Aug. 16th, 2025 01:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seaglassgarden[current fronter: nightshade (it/zey)]
god, it's been a while. there's been a lot of beauty. maybe i'll talk about that, but it's not what i opened up the menu to write
so that friend i mentioned, the new one...the simplest thing to say is that it didn't work out. the conclusion ive drawn, however flawed it may be, is that they decided they wanted to date me very early on into meeting me and did not accept contradictory evidence. im an exploratory person at this stage of my life. i feel connections with people easily, but i don't like to decide what we will be to each other early on (or at all, really. i don't like putting people into roles with any sort of finality). i felt that i either had to be in constant subtle conflict with them as they put out frequent bids for (unearned) closeness, or i could give them what they wanted and feel my boundaries get worn down. and unfortunately i took the second approach too often and was hurt pretty seriously in the process
what astonishes me is that i wasn't even the one who stopped texting. i took a short break from texting them every day. i was emotionally drained and waited two and a half days to respond to their messages, which i feel is more than reasonable for an online friend that ive only known for around a month and a half. when i did respond, they asked if they should expect me to be absent like this sometimes and i said yes, that i sometimes took breaks from responding to DMs when i was busy. they said they were worried, so i tried to reassure them that i have plenty of people around me i see often who would step in if something were really wrong. and that was it. they never texted me again
i don't really know what happened. were they offended that i didn't want to talk every day? offended by the idea that id go to people in my physical proximity to help me if i needed something rather than an online friend? hurt that i didn't feel a strong enough attraction to them that made me want to text every day? i don't know. i feel strongly that they wanted something from me and decided that i should give it to them. and then when it became clear i wasn't going to give it to them, that was it. the possibility of my presence in their life as something else wasn't valuable enough to them, i guess
im disappointed that we couldn't be genuine friends. i think we had a lot of challenging and interesting conversations, which is something i really value and don't get a lot of. but i also feel that they needed a lot of reassurance and stimulus from me that i really don't give to people i don't know very well. i feel it when someone wants something from me—there's this pressure surrounding me that warps and twists my self-expression. i want to be better at being clear about what i am and am not willing to do. i don't want to stay in situations like this one where i can tell that someone's behavior springs from desire that i know im not interested in fulfilling. im adverse to disappointing people. but im practicing it, when necessary, and i think im getting better at it
also. i like to be my own being, which is something that previous partners and interested parties have often found threatening or unnecessary. there's been this pattern of people who like me insisting that we're practically the same, that what's good for them is good for me...im tired of it. the commonalities between myself and others are patches of a garden we are both familiar with and can easily walk together; they aren't proof of us being made of the same base materials. does that make sense? we can explore the overlaps between our behaviors and histories and preferences without being cut from the same cloth. and i do not look for others made of the same threads as me
but anyway, the beauty! my wife and i have started doing weekly movie nights, which is something he's been interested in for a while. last week, we watched clue (1985), and tonight we're going to watch knives out (2019). it's such a smart idea. if you want to watch a movie with someone, you naturally set aside some time, and from there it's very easy to make a whole date of it. you can shut out the whole world when you're watching a movie. perhaps a sweet treat gets involved...endless possibilities, really!
recently i discovered a wonderful queer + goth bakery in my area with a monthly rotating menu. my best friend and i have been going together, and ive been delighted by everything ive tried. they had peanut butter brownies this month—stunning! so rich!
i took a walk with my best friend through some man-made wetland used for environmental research and saw such wonderful things. birds! deer! frogs! turtles! and the many plants and algae keeping us company through the journey. here are a few pictures to close with:
( Read more... )
god, it's been a while. there's been a lot of beauty. maybe i'll talk about that, but it's not what i opened up the menu to write
so that friend i mentioned, the new one...the simplest thing to say is that it didn't work out. the conclusion ive drawn, however flawed it may be, is that they decided they wanted to date me very early on into meeting me and did not accept contradictory evidence. im an exploratory person at this stage of my life. i feel connections with people easily, but i don't like to decide what we will be to each other early on (or at all, really. i don't like putting people into roles with any sort of finality). i felt that i either had to be in constant subtle conflict with them as they put out frequent bids for (unearned) closeness, or i could give them what they wanted and feel my boundaries get worn down. and unfortunately i took the second approach too often and was hurt pretty seriously in the process
what astonishes me is that i wasn't even the one who stopped texting. i took a short break from texting them every day. i was emotionally drained and waited two and a half days to respond to their messages, which i feel is more than reasonable for an online friend that ive only known for around a month and a half. when i did respond, they asked if they should expect me to be absent like this sometimes and i said yes, that i sometimes took breaks from responding to DMs when i was busy. they said they were worried, so i tried to reassure them that i have plenty of people around me i see often who would step in if something were really wrong. and that was it. they never texted me again
i don't really know what happened. were they offended that i didn't want to talk every day? offended by the idea that id go to people in my physical proximity to help me if i needed something rather than an online friend? hurt that i didn't feel a strong enough attraction to them that made me want to text every day? i don't know. i feel strongly that they wanted something from me and decided that i should give it to them. and then when it became clear i wasn't going to give it to them, that was it. the possibility of my presence in their life as something else wasn't valuable enough to them, i guess
im disappointed that we couldn't be genuine friends. i think we had a lot of challenging and interesting conversations, which is something i really value and don't get a lot of. but i also feel that they needed a lot of reassurance and stimulus from me that i really don't give to people i don't know very well. i feel it when someone wants something from me—there's this pressure surrounding me that warps and twists my self-expression. i want to be better at being clear about what i am and am not willing to do. i don't want to stay in situations like this one where i can tell that someone's behavior springs from desire that i know im not interested in fulfilling. im adverse to disappointing people. but im practicing it, when necessary, and i think im getting better at it
also. i like to be my own being, which is something that previous partners and interested parties have often found threatening or unnecessary. there's been this pattern of people who like me insisting that we're practically the same, that what's good for them is good for me...im tired of it. the commonalities between myself and others are patches of a garden we are both familiar with and can easily walk together; they aren't proof of us being made of the same base materials. does that make sense? we can explore the overlaps between our behaviors and histories and preferences without being cut from the same cloth. and i do not look for others made of the same threads as me
but anyway, the beauty! my wife and i have started doing weekly movie nights, which is something he's been interested in for a while. last week, we watched clue (1985), and tonight we're going to watch knives out (2019). it's such a smart idea. if you want to watch a movie with someone, you naturally set aside some time, and from there it's very easy to make a whole date of it. you can shut out the whole world when you're watching a movie. perhaps a sweet treat gets involved...endless possibilities, really!
recently i discovered a wonderful queer + goth bakery in my area with a monthly rotating menu. my best friend and i have been going together, and ive been delighted by everything ive tried. they had peanut butter brownies this month—stunning! so rich!
i took a walk with my best friend through some man-made wetland used for environmental research and saw such wonderful things. birds! deer! frogs! turtles! and the many plants and algae keeping us company through the journey. here are a few pictures to close with:
( Read more... )
